If I were alive on October 29, 1929, I can pretty much guarantee you I would have grabbed a beer. If I were alive on July 20, 1969, I can also pretty much guarantee you I’d be grabbing a beer. On October 3, 2008, I did grab a beer. And yesterday, November 12, 2009, I also grabbed a beer.
I don’t know who it was, but someone in the course of human history once told someone who told someone who told someone to invest in the manufacturers of alcoholic beverages—we drink when we’re happy, we drink when we’re sad, we drink when it’s a Tuesday.
- On October 29, 1929, I would have drank because the stock market would have just crashed and I’d be wanting to spend the immediately dwindling money on something to sooth my sorrow.
- On July 20, 1969, I would have popped a cold Pabst Blue Ribbon and chugged it the second Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon to the tune of a 500 million person audience on televsion over 200,000 miles away.
- On October 3, 2008, I grabbed a beer because it was my only sister’s wedding. The groomsmen all shared a beer before the ceremony to celebrate the bride and groom’s union. (The first of many. Beers. Not unions.)
- And yesterday, Novermber 12, 2009, I grabbed a beer because I went to play trivia at a bar, and trivia is always a little more fun (and the answers more creative) after a few rounds.
Ever since we as humans learned that sugar and starch can ferment, we’ve been drinking. That’s literally, like, millions of years. If longevity is any form of legitimacy, beer is the veteran on the block, a legitimate powerhouse that has ascended beyond the phrase “trend,” cemented as fact. Beer is the Simpsons of sitcoms. Beer is the Ray Lewis of the NFL. Beer is the Godfather of film.
And when we drink, we usually drink beer. According to a Harris Poll (reported by Wine & Spirits Daily), out of the Americans who say they drink several times a year, two-thirds drink beer*. So for every person drinking on any given night, two out of every three are sipping (or slamming) a cold one. Personally, I’d say that roughly nine out of every ten alcoholic drinks I have is a beer. I think that’s easily grounds enough to say to Mr. Beer, “Thank you for your service. I’m going to drink you now.”
A Beer-Related Anecdote
On one episode of Cheers, postman Cliff Clavin divulged what might be the best supporting argument for drinking to his buddy Norm (played by George Wendt):
Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
The Schipulites’ Favorite Beers
It wouldn’t be right to have a beer post without listing our employees’ favorite beers. So I took my little roster, walked to every person in the company, and made them pick a beerâ€”even if they claimed, “I don’t drink beer!”
There was no absolute criteria for determining favorite beer; some went with, “If I only had one beer left to drink,” others jumped on, “This is the beer I drink the most of, day in, day out.” For some of us, such as myself, those are one in the same.
So without further ado, here they are in absolutely zero premeditated order whatsoever:
If you work hard, we do too. And when we get off, we usually grab a drink. So if you see one of us out, let’s be thankful for beer together. Now, at the very least, you know what to buy us. Let us know what to buy you.
*And out of all males, four out of five guys say they drink beer.
Photos courtesy of cool.as.a.cucumber.